Miz S

Thank God A Therapist Is Coming To Town.

Sasha took this picture from the open front door of the house.

I love how the cats are obviously formulating their escape plan.

You all knew that my relentlessly cheerful mood of the past couple of weeks wouldn't last forever, didn't you? One minute I'm all " ZOMG! I LOVE RIDING MY BIKE! LOOK AT ME I'M MAKING PIES! LET'S EXERCISE AND THEN WATCH BIG LOVE ! ISN'T LIFE BEAUTIFUL?"

And then on Wednesday morning I found myself sobbing, I mean snot-nosed, hyperventilating, sobbing on the phone to Josh saying something to the general effect of "YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!" 

Except that I was crying so uncontrollably that he could not understand me and it sounded something like "ANGTURIUALNVNBISH;'aNJMWIHJ[QUHJF!"

This was very confusing for him because he didn't know what ANGTURIUALNVNBISH;'aNJMWIHJ[QUHJF meant.

I explained to him it meant he was a stupid-head and barely worthy to mow my lawn. He apologized repeatedly and profusely for his transgressions and marital harmony has since been restored. 

You nosy bastards want to know why we were fighting, don't you? It's not important. All you need to know is the subtext. It's all about subtext, people. I pondered my (over) reaction today because personal growth is PRACTICALLY my middle name.

I think the subtext is the anxiety about my parents that has been occupying my thoughts lately. I know I'm a worrier and quite adept at creating mountains out of molehills, but JESUS they are old and frail and it creates within me a desire to hover and clean and cook and manage their lives. Except they insist on maintaining the fiction that everything is absolutely fine. And even if they let go of that fiction, will I be able to step up to the plate? I can barely handle my own responsibilities. 

Hence the anxiety and the overreacting and the frantic attempts to corral every detail of my own existence, as if that will somehow protect me from one day being old and frail and confused.

Discuss amongst yourselves while I go make nice with Josh, who is showing a tendency to flinch when I cast my eyes in his direction.

And OH HEY I get to see Vicki today! She will thera-pize me.

Hey. It's Almost July 4th.

 

Rosie has been a bad, bad little dog lately. She has been sneaking into the TV room when our backs are turned and peeing on the rug. She is housebroken, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding. She seems to do it when she is left "alone," e.g., Sasha is in the bathroom for 3 minutes, I am outside getting the mail, Josh is mowing the lawn, and Evangeline is up in her bedroom. In other words, she's not actually ALONE dammit!   Anyway, she has done it like 5 times in the past 4 days and there has been much grumbling and gnashing of teeth on my part. Strict supervision will be exercised from now on. Either that, or I'll ask God to smite her. One or the other.

I am very excited. Would you like to know why? Vicki is coming to DC on Thursday! I have been reading Vicki's blog and exchanging emails with her for three years. She is funny and warm and smart and I am more than a little fond of her. She has this way of creating a community wherever she goes. Ann Arbor, St Petersburg, Chicago, the Internet--it doesn't matter. It is only a matter of time before Vicki is cooking for someone or volunteering somewhere or introducing people to each other. And on top of that she is funny and irreverent and able to laugh at herself.

Did I mention that I like her?

I shouldn't say all these nice things about her because she might get a swelled head and then how will she fit on the plane?

Hey, won't it be REALLY awkward if we meet and it turns out that we dislike each other intensely in person?

Nah, I'm not seeing that.

An Expedition.

Faithful reader/friend Heidi cautioned me to slow down on all the frenetic activity or I would get worn out and cranky and need to be sent to my room. She thinks she's so damn smart. Hmmph.

Well, I did take it easy on Thursday but not because SHE said so.

Yesterday, I defied Heidi's good advice. I took my little friends down to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History. I had previously decided that I would do a couple of things with them over the summer and this seemed like a fun activity. Because, you know, Washington DC on a 94 degree day is always a good time. Fortunately, the museum is air-conditioned so we only had to do the march of death to and from the car parked several blocks away.

Thank God I wore my cute platform sandals with the strap that apparently gives me blisters on the backs of my heels.

No really, it was fun. The oldest brother, Oscar, age 10,  (my favorite boy ever), took all the pictures that are in this post. I gave him my camera, showed him how to point and shoot, and he was all over it. He took a picture of every single bridge on the way downtown and every single exhibit that we passed in the museum. I'm not saying all the pictures are good, but hey. He's 10. I quite like that one of the Washington Monument with the flags that I put at the top.

I dropped them off at 2pm and went back to my house for guess what? A NAP. Damn kids wore my ass out. Do I actually teach first grade 9 months out of the year?

Next time I think the expedition will be something very simple, like a walk to the neighborhood park so that the 3 year old can come, too. He looks bereft every time that I leave with his 3 older siblings.

So, that's what I've been up to. What about you?

Check Out My Hat Spider.

There I was, chop-chop-chopping my way through the weeds when I saw something just above my eyes, on the underside of the brim of my sensible hat. But because I am VERY BRAVE I just carefully and calmly removed my hat and turned it over so I could get a good look at the little bastard who was trying to sneak up on my eyeballs. I'm sure you know I am a friend to all spiders but that doesn't mean that I like them IN MY EYES, you feel me?

Sasha and I were very productive yesterday. We attacked an overgrown corner of the front yard, removed a large kerria bush that I had grown weary of, chopped out a horrible tangle of ivy and brambles, and planted a lovely blue holly shrub and some other stuff. I'll post some pictures of it later, but I need to go get another pink astilbe and some more mulch before I do the official "after" picture.

Speaking of pictures, would you like to see how incredibly attractive I look when I do yard work? Sure you would.

  

I'm kinda hott, right? I know you want a hat like that. I do long sleeves and long pants and the hat because I am a ticking time bomb when it comes to damaged skin. I try to avoid radiation burns. Plus, you know, poison ivy, ticks, etc.

Sasha did exactly what I would have done, which is sneak up behind me and get some great pictures of my ass. I am much too vain to publish them here. 

It was fun to work outside with my girl. She was cheerful and energetic and talkative. We probably could have finished in less than 5 hours except that we kept stopping to take pictures of the cute things that the dogs were doing, and then going inside for cold drinks and playing with the cats.

I haven't decided yet what today's Big Accomplishment will be. More yard work? A closet reorganization? Maybe painting something? Like my toenails? Yeah, I think some sitting on my ass is in order.

Geronimo!

I am impressing myself with my level of energy these days. It's so unlike me. I topped off my many accomplishments yesterday (garden work, garbage can scrubbing, mammogram, bone scan, errands) with a 15 mile bike ride in the evening.

I know, right?

Did I just say "I know, right?" It's deplorable, the way that I pick up the vernacular, yo.

The neighborhood that I live in is on top of a big hill. Whenever I leave my house for a bike ride, it is always downhill no matter which direction I go in. And I'm all, "WHEEE! I LOVE RIDING MY BIKE!"

Predictably, on the way back home I'm all, "THIS SUCKS! I HATE RIDING MY BIKE!" The usual route takes me up a hill that everyone calls "The Mormon Temple hill" because, obviously, there is a Mormon Temple on it. This hill kills me, every time. It is seven-tenths of a mile, which doesn't sound too bad, but trust me. It sucketh. I used to be able to ride all the way up it. But I am sad to report that in my present state of decrepitude I now have to walk my bike up most of that hill.

So, I have set a goal for myself that by the end of the summer (Labor Day?) I will be able to ride my bike to the top of the hill without stopping.

Anyway, last night I rode my bike down into Rock Creek Park (ha! I just accidentally typed Rock Creep Park, which some people would say is a fitting name). There is a bike path that I can use for part of that ride, but for some of it I have to be on the road. There are lots and lots of bicyclists on the road in the park, but some of the car traffic is scary despite all the "Share The Road" signs. It's like running with the damn bulls or something. One guy passed me so closely that I could have just bent my arm a little more and touched his car with my left elbow. Pissed me off.

Next time I will take my camera with me. There are some pretty sights on the way. But I will have to wait for the weekend when the road is closed to car traffic because I'm not doing that thing with the cars again.

Sasha and I have a big project in the garden today. It is a surprise for Josh. The surprise part will be that we did something that requires energy and muscle, because generally we reserve those jobs for him.

Josh is sad, by the way. His scooter has been in the shop for more than 2 weeks. You KNOW how much he loves his scooter. It's bringing him down, man!

Okay. I'm going to pop a few prophylactic ibuprophen and go out to start my project. Geronimo!

Shut Your Pie-Hole. No, Wait. OPEN Your Pie-Hole.

Damn, I have some scrawny little arms.

So look, here I am making a pie! And I made my own pie crust! I KNOW! Do not mock the messiness of the pie crust. It was diabolically tricky. I was forced to pour myself a glass of wine to steady my nerves. The pie was strawberry-rhubarb and it was so delicious that I could barely stand to allow anyone else in my family to have any.

Today I am making a blueberry-rhubarb pie because I am all about the anti-oxidants.

Today I am also going to get a mammogram. I'm not a big fan of the mammogram. I can't belly up to the compression device and slap my breasts up there on the plate.  Mine are small and timid and must be coaxed. It hurts! Wah!

Just for fun, I will follow up the 2:00 mammogram with a 3:30 bone scan (routine screening for a woman of my advanced years). Too bad they couldn't have scheduled the colonoscopy for the same day. That appointment is 4 weeks from now and ohboyohboy I can hardly wait!!! 

So, yeah. This is the summer of the Prophylactic Health Procedures. 

I just wanted to say "prophylactic."

You all have a good day. Beam sympathetic thought waves to my boobs.

Sunday Morning

The day could hardly be prettier. 75 degrees right now, with blue skies and a choir of birds in the backyard. Thunderstorms will roll in this afternoon. I hope the power stays on, but if not we have plenty of candles.

An old friend is coming over for dinner. When Sasha and Evangeline were little, his twin daughters were their best friends. They moved away long ago but we stay in touch. He is a pediatric neurologist, so his work brings him to Children's Hospital and NIH about once a year.

Once I thought Evangeline had a brain tumor because she was seeing double and Marc was the FIRST person I called. Turned out she just needed glasses. Hey, it was an easy mistake for a hypochondriac to make.

I need to clean the house. When I came home last night and walked in the door, the house didn't smell fresh. In fact, it smelled decidedly unfresh. It wasn't the catbox. I don't know what it was. So, I have to scrub and use a lot of bleach today. I will enjoy that. I love the smell of bleach.

I hope everyone has a nice Sunday.

!!The Happiest Girl!!

You guys know I have the big love for Big Love, right? The plot line! The characters! The fabulous talented actors and actresses! Bruce Dern! Mary Kay Place! Harry Dean Stanton! To mention just a few. This video clip is from episode 22, I think, and I watch it over and over again. For one thing, I love Daveigh Chase's voice, and for another thing, THE IRONY of the song! Come on, you guys! Click on it!

Also? I could really use a sister wife around here to take up the slack.

Now, I am perfectly aware that the FLDS is not the same as the LDS. But this show does feed a teeny-tiny obsession I have with the LDS. An obsession that may have its roots in the following Comic Sans MS vignette:

*     *     *     *     *

Picture Miz S in her youth. She is a skinny 18-year-old with long blonde hair. She wears Maybelline Honeysuckle Perfume. She smokes cigarettes and thinks she knows it all. Miz S is at her parents' house while they are out of town. Two clean-cut, handsome boys ride up on bicycles and knock at the door. (Okay, wait, this is sounding like the beginning of a letter to Pen*hou$e Forum but it's not like that at all.)

The boys are very polite. They want to discuss the immortal soul of Miz S.  She lights cigarette after cigarette and enjoys the attention. She is wearing a yellow halter top and she is tipping back in a chair with her feet up on a table. The boys keep mention something called The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Miz S has never heard of this church, but she is so open-minded, not to mention bored on this slow day, that she is willing to toy with these nice young men.  "Go on, tell me more," she urges them.

After listening for awhile the young Miz S says, "Well, that all sounds interesting. I mean, religion's okay, I guess. But a lot of religions try and keep women down. You know what religion I can't stand? Those damn Mormons! They don't respect women at all!" 

[Ha! As if someone raised in the Catholic Church can object to the lack of respect for women in the Mormon Church.]

There is an awkward pause where the two boys look at each other. One of them sighs deeply and explains to Miz S that Mormons and Latter Day Saints are in fact one and the same. The young Miz S is embarrassed. She stumbles all over her words trying to explain her way out of the gaffe. It's no use. The boys go. Miz S is left with the uncomfortable feeling that perhaps she doesn't know as much as she thinks she does, but she pushes it aside.

*     *     *     *     *

Ever since then I have made it my business to keep an eye on the Mormons. You know, in case they try to trick me like that again. I have also tried very hard to remember to engage my brain before putting my mouth in gear, with varying degrees of success.

You guys have a nice weekend, okay? I'm going to be busy and happy with yardwork and seeing some old friends. The happiest girl in the whole state of Maryland!

Breaking Away.

 

Let's try and do one of those blackbird-ish posts where I show you what I did today, okay? We'll go for a nice long bike ride! I haven't been on my bike for a few months. My right knee has decided to make funny noise when I ride. A little popping noise when I push the pedal down. pop. pop. pop. pop. pop. Many, many pops. Is that bad? 

 

Look! There's the road to Sibley Hospital. I got stitches there when I was little. Sasha and Evangeline were born there, too. Oh, and that's where they took Tim Russert after he collapsed. It's a lovely hospital.

 

I'm at mile 7 or so. I am on my way up a steep hill and my legs are shaky because I am a PUSSY. So I am stopping here to eat a breakfast bar. Look at this nice man on the horse. John Wesley, I believe.

 

Here we are at the National Cathedral. When I was an incorrigible delinquent teenager I would skip school and meet my friend Stephie here in the Bishop's Garden. We would smoke cigarettes and dab patchouli oil behind our ears and generally act like caricatures from That 70's Show.

  

Look! Here's the Bishop's Garden! Let's go in and meditate.....

AAAACK! Too many people! Noise! Why are there so many people here, at this local landmark on a beautiful summer day in the height of the tourist season? I don't understand!  Fine. We'll pedal home now.

 

Hey. Check out the Tim Russert memorial at the NBC news station. People left some cool stuff. Tshirts, Buffalo memorabilia, framed photos, lots of sweet notes. I mean, I don't really get the public memorial thing but it seems to make people feel better. One person left a six-pack of Rolling Rock with a note that says "Tim: Yes! There is Rolling Rock on heaven!" And the cool thing is, no one has fucked with the Rolling Rock.

 

I'm getting tired. But I decided to take a little detour so I could show you my old house on Nevada Avenue in Washington.  The house I lived in till I was 12. I love this house. I love this neighborhood. I wish we had never moved to the suburbs. Stupid early 70's white flight trend.

 

I'm almost home now. Hey, look! It's the old railroad trestle where Amanda and I used to go to get high when I was an incorrigible drug-using teenager! Don't judge me. I was the victim of a permissive culture.

I'm home now. A little tired, but in a good way. Too bad I didn't take a final picture to wrap things up. I hope you had fun accompanying me on my little journey. Perhaps tomorrow I will take you with me to the gastroenterologist's office.

Feeling Virtuous. And Chatty.

It's amazing how much stuff you can get done when you are unemployed. I was a veritable whirlwind of activity today. I did ALL KINDS of crap that I have been pushing aside for weeks, even months, because I was too tiiiiiiiired from working so haaaar-ard (use a whiny voice when you read the last part of that sentence).

So, the car got washed, the groceries got bought, the bills got paid, and about 3 months worth of bank statements and related stuff got filed. I also made appointments for the mammogram, the bone density screening, and the colonoscopy because I am fucking old DON'T GET ME STARTED. Also? I went running. Hence the virtuous feeling.

Here's something funny that I did yesterday: Okay, wait, first you have to know this:  I recently started reading this awesome blog called Pure Florida, written by a guy named FC. He is one of Vicki's blog friends, and any friend of Vicki's, etc. I'm not sure why it has taken me 3 years to click on his link. Anyway, his blog is a perfect mix of photos and nature and pets and family news. He posts every day as far as I can tell, and he's funny and normal. No personal drama. So refreshing.

SO ANYWAY.I decided to be all nature-y and go on a walk with my camera yesterday so I could maybe come across some cool snake or frog or, I don't know, WOLF or something and post a picture of it and earn FC's respect. I walked through the woods on a path near my house. Mostly there were mosquitoes. And sparrows. BOR-ing. Towards the end I saw a lovely tawny doe and her spotted fawn but my camera couldn't zoom close enough to get them. Oh, and there was a very large, very dead raptor bird of some kind in the creek, but I didn't feel that it was good blog fodder. The pictures I took were all horrible and I deleted every single one when I got home. And that is the story of how I tried to copy FC and failed miserably.

More fascinating chatter tomorrow!

There. Is That Better?

I don't really have much to say this morning, but that mushroom picture was so disturbing and the pleas from a couple of commenters so compelling, that I decided I better get something up on the front page. So. Girls on trampo1ine$. That's Evangeline in white and Sasha in blue. Also, me (about to be severely nauseous):

 

And now Josh with niece Maddy and nephew Aaron:

 

I bet I'm not the only person who thinks that trampolines are crazy dangerous. Come on, all you worrywarts, back me up here. Spinal cord injuries much?

Alright then, carry on with your day. I'll be here trying to catch up on the immense pile of old mail, unfiled bank statements, and junk mail that didn't make it to the recycle box yet. Oh, and a second cup of coffee, and perhaps Big Love, Season 1.  Don't hate me.

What The Hell?

Look what is growing in my yard. Perhaps one of you nature-y people could identify them for me. Aren't they riDICulous? I feel cock-eyed every time I look at them. In fact, they give me the willies. (All puns courtesy of Evangeline, who totally cracks herself up.)

So, how was your Father's Day? I was positively saintly and took my aged parents to church. And STAYED there with them. Evangeline accompanied us, so she was also saintly. Sasha, whom I admire for her unwillingness to be guilted into anything (unlike her hapless mother), held down the fort at home. 

Woah, hold on a second here. I don't want to give the impression that my parents guilted me into going to church with them (although there is a long history of guilt vis a vis church attendance in my family). It was totally my idea (refer to above paragraph, "saintliness"). I dislike my parents' church, the church of my rebellious adolescence. I listen carefully, but in vain, for the small still voice of God. Evangeline agrees with me, which is why the two of us sometimes drive 45 minutes to a Catholic church practically in Baltimore, or to Holy Trinity in Georgetown. Both Jesuit parishes. Jesuits kick ass.

Not that we are all up on our church attendance these days. Y'all know how conflicted I am.

Anyways. Back to Father's Day. My mom kept saying to me, "Going to church is the best present you could have given to your father." Which just made me feel guilty and weird. (I know, I know. It's hard to believe that I am 50 years old when I so easily revert to angst around my parents.)

Have you noticed the abundance of parentheses in this post?

My mom also seemed very confused about Evangeline. She thought that Evangeline had just returned from college in Iowa and barely escaped from the flooding. I reminded her that Evangeline hasn't been in Iowa since December because she spent the spring in Russia. Then my mom politely inquired about Russia, as if she hasn't seen Evangeline yet. Which she has.

So. Yeah. Confusion. Dementia. A glimpse into my future, no doubt.

Afterwards, we picked up my nephew at the Metro and went out to lunch at my parents' favorite restaurant, La Madeleine. Which is a very confusing place where you have to go through a cafeteria style line and order different things in different places. I can't believe my parents can manage it because you have to carry your own tray and pour your own coffee and they are so damn feeble these days.

Later in the afternoon, we went to my sister-in-law's house for dinner. The food was awesome and I ate too much. There was a lot of trampoline bouncing. I didn't feel well afterwards. 

Which brings me all the way to this morning, where I feel all leisurely sitting around on the screen porch in my bathrobe playing on the computer. I'm off to work shortly, but with the students gone I am not consumed with urgency. In fact, what is this I am feeling? It's so unfamiliar. I think I'm relaxed. What the hell?

Also, We Are Out of Milk.

 I'm fine, thank you very much Pam L. THE ONLY ONE OF YOU BASTARDS WHO TRULY CARES.

GOD.

Not feeling very chatty, though.

Bullets should I do? Sentences difficult to compose.

• Frenetic last week of school. Had parents in on the last day for coffee and doughnuts. Wore adorable red high heels and have the blisters to prove it.
• Went to Pump Night at Children's Hospital. Officially began process of moving Evangeline to an insulin pump. It's a complicated process. She is wearing the catheter and tubing to get used to it, but it's not attached to anything yet. A pump is the next best thing to a working pancreas!
• April is sick! Pathetically so! Sasha took her to the vet for blood work and an exam, but there is no real diagnosis except gastroenteritis. For now, she is eating small meals of rice and boiled hamburger and looking frail. Hold her in the light! Give her name to your prayer circle! Wring your hands!
  
• Spent today being ineffective whilst trying to pack up my classroom and move into the classroom across the hall. Gave up at 5pm and went to another end-of-year teacher party. Alcohol flowed freely. Tongues were loosened. We shared.
• Father's Day is Sunday? Really? 
• Have you seen my closets and my desk? Things are bad around here.
  
• I need to be focused and organized tomorrow. Hold me in the light!

Who doesn't love a weekend?

Can you see the Baltimore Oriole? He visited my pond to have a splash and I caught him just as he took flight.

I am having a fun weekend. I hope you are too.

On Saturday I invited the small brother and 2 of his many siblings over to my house to play in the sprinkler. For a little while it looked like his mom and 2 more of the siblings might also be coming which caused me some slight panic. I had borrowed two toddler seats from friends, but couldn't get my hands on an infant seat. I briefly considered just piling everyone in the car, Grapes of Wrath style, but GAH I just knew I wouldn't be able to go through with that what with my deeply ingrained belief in basic safety measures. In the end it turned out that only the original 3 kids could go, so that was good.

These 3 kids have no animal sense at all, which pains me because they are nice kids. They just don't know.  Oscar confessed to throwing rocks at stray cats in his neighborhood. Tony regularly "finds" baby birds by taking them out of their nests. He brings them home to raise and--surprise!--the attrition rate is 100%. Tony weeps for each casualty.  I explain to him over and over that he shouldn't do that, and that the parent birds are the only ones who can properly care for the babies. But he still does it.

Anyways. It was fun to watch the three of them cavort in the sprinkler.

They went home happy and tired.

And? As soon as I got back home from transporting them I took a 2 hour nap.

In the evening, Josh and I went to visit some friends of ours who have two young children. We huddled in the air-conditioned house because it was stinkin', head-achy hot outside. We may have stayed longer than we should have but we were having FUN drinking wine and gossiping and laughing. Oh, and while I was there Susie Sunshine called me on my cell phone just to tell me she misses me. I kind of had to blow her off because I was socializing. But I LOVE HER. 

Today I am taking it easy. I will write my report card comments and maybe take a nap or start one of my new books or something.

Your weekend is good, yes?

Hi.

That was SUCH a grumpy post! So negative! So screech-y! Over practically nothing!

I guess the weather gods knew that they better step in and do something before I went berserk and started slapping people right and left. On Wednesday we got a major storm that spawned high winds and even a couple of tornadoes. The power outages were so extensive that several school districts canceled school on Thursday. How sweet is that? A snow day in June! I could have gone in anyway to get caught up but it never crossed my mind. I had one or two things to catch up on around the ol' homestead.

On Friday we were back at school AND it was field-tripping day. We took 90 first-graders to the University of Maryland, which is only 15 minutes from our school. We did this last year, too, and it was really, really fun. This year was sort of fun, too. But it was a long day, and when we got back on the bus and I discovered that Julio had secretly put his plastic bowl of ice cream in his backpack, and it was dripping out of the bottom and getting all over the bus, I was...let's just say I was rather perturbed.

And then, when we got back to school and I discovered that 3 little copycats had done the very same thing, well, I was even more perturbed.

I mean, yeah, classic idiotic first-grade behavior, and kind of funny in retrospect. But godDAMNit I didn't need melted ice cream in my classroom.

Oh shit, I'm getting negative again. This is what I meant to say: the field trip was mostly fun.